Introduction
As many of us would have experienced, conflict is bound to happen between married couples.
My wife and I have been married for slightly longer than 3 years. Living together under the same roof 24/7, we are no stranger to the occasional dispute. And as it turned out, these became more frequent when our daughter, Elise, came along. Arguments over petty issues became commonplace (especially when both of us were tired), at times even threatening to blow up into miniature World War 3(s).
Marriage is for life (Matthew 19:4-6), and conflict should never be the reason for separation or divorce. In the world today, it is sad to see married couples citing "irreconcilable differences" or "unresolvable" conflict as the reason why they choose to separate from their spouse.
Is there such a thing as an "unresolvable" conflict? Through some reflection (and a little experience), I hope to share 3 simple but key principles on conflict resolution, which may hopefully help to prevent conflicts between husband and wife from escalating into the level of "unresolvable.”
First Principle: Try to understand your spouse's point of view
Philippians 2:3-4 reminds us to esteem others better than ourselves, and to put others' interests above our own. In line with this, whenever conflict arises, let us do our best to understand our spouse's point of view rather than repeatedly attempting to enforce our own. Is it always the case that "I am right" and my spouse is "in the wrong?”
Reflect on whether there is any truth in what the other party is saying or trying to advocate for. Often, both parties have a part to play when conflicts escalate out of control. Trying to see things the way our spouse does may help to reduce the tension between husband and wife. When both parties have calmed down, this sets the stage for better conflict resolution - Proverbs 15:1 admonishes us that a soft answer turns wrath and anger away.
Second Principle: Be understanding of your spouse's style of conflict resolution
My wife and I have a pretty different approach to conflict resolution. Using this specific example, whenever a dispute arises, my wife prefers to go off on her own to cool off first. She would then be more ready to talk things out later. I am different - I prefer to talk business on the spot, and "get it over with."
Looking back, my failure to be understanding of my wife's approach to conflict resolution may have made disagreements even more unpleasant than they already were, on many occasions. Conversely, providing my wife with some much-needed space would have been more productive.
If you are anything like me, do remember that trying to force a discussion at an inappropriate time may result in the other party clamming up even further. Let us remember 1 Peter 3:7, where we are reminded to live with our wives in an understanding way.
Third Principle: Remember your wedding vows and "dating phase"
While preparing for our wedding ceremony nearly 4 years ago in 2020, I resolved to think carefully and came up with my own wedding vows. One of those vows was to "always be open to communication, assume the best of you (my wife), and to strive for peace amidst the occasional conflicts.”
I'm sure many of us married couples remember our time during the "dating" or "honeymoon" phase - a time when we were blind to the faults of each other. A time when we were able to overlook each other's shortcomings! During this phase, conflicts were almost unheard of.
I remember that Uncle Jimmy had several times used the following illustration in his sermons/devotions: before marriage, we should open both eyes (to properly consider the suitability of the potential spouse), and after marriage, we should learn to shut both eyes (to each other's faults). In reality, this is usually applied the other way around.
Indeed, imagine how many conflicts may be avoided if we learnt to "close both eyes" after marriage, willingly forgiving each other's faults. We should strive to carry over our "dating phase" attitude over to the marriage phase as well. 1 Peter 4:8 puts it very aptly that love covers a multitude of sins.
Conclusion
Let us keep in mind, that as married couples, we are “one flesh” (Matthew 19:6). We should not be fighting against one another, but rather, learning to love and cherish each other more and more as the years go by.
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